Top 10 Funniest Quotes and Sayings

I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "You're next." So next

I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "You're next." So next time I was at a funeral, I poked them and said "You're next."

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin

I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous

Hurricanes are like women

when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave, they take your house and car.

I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a Son-of-a-bitch.

A boy looked into his parents' bedroom, saying, "And she gets mad when I suck my thumb!"

I can resist everything except temptation. - Oscar Wilde

I never let my schooling interfere with my education. - Anonymous

USA Today has come out with a new survey

Apparently, three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman

I have no further use for America

I wouldn't go back there even if Jesus Christ was president. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill

A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion. - George Carlin

A man has three good friends: an old wife, old dog, and ready money. - Benjamin Franklin

Don't feed the mouth that bites you. - D.S.

Then the nurse asks me, "How would you rate your pain?" Four stars! Two

Then the nurse asks me, "How would you rate your pain?" Four stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up! - Brian Regan

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them.

Lisa Kennedy Montgomery

I think the problem with people like that is that they're so stupid they don't

I think the problem with people like that is that they're so stupid they don't know how stupid they are. - John Cleese

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Alcohol doesn't solve your problems, but neither does milk.

Born to party but forced to work. - Anonymous

It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on. - Anonymous

I came from a real tough neighborhood

Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional. The knife had butter on it. - Rodney Dangerfield

Always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise, they won't come to yours. - Yogi Berra

I have two daughters, and both are girls. - Anonymous

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas A. Edison

YOLO, you only live once but I tell you YODO, you only die once.

It isn't the ups and downs that make life difficult. It's the jerks. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep

Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. - Will Rogers

I love lamp. - Steve Carell, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter